Saturday, January 9, 2010

More Things Rolling Around In My Head (and Heart)

-- I have completely lost the ability to nap easily. There was a time (and that time had a name: college) when I took a nap almost every afternoon. I do go to bed earlier than I did then, but not that much earlier. I just have a hard time making my mind relax, even though my body wants to. I keep thinking of all the things I need to get done!

-- Speaking of being busy....I have decided that I need to be firm about making myself eat more. I am *NOT* saying that I frequently skip meals. I am saying that sometimes I wake up eat some applesauce as I feed AP hers, eat lunch around 1:00, maybe eat a small snack, and then have dinner at 10:30 when Peyton gets home. I am going to try to do a couple of things. One, I am going to make sure I eat at least three REAL meals a day (a bowl of applesauce doesn't count). Ideally, I'd like to do four. And two, I am going to eat something every time Annie eats (every three hours)- maybe just a glass of milk, or a slice of cheese, but SOMETHING. I hate the way I look and I hate feeling guilty over Annie's lack of weight gain.

-- Peyton and I have started talking about when we should plan the next baby, as though this one was planned, right? Now, before anyone gets all crazy, we've just been talking. But, my sister and I are two years apart and I've always said that's what I wanted--it just seems really soon now (like, start trying this summer. What??) The whole thing is really hard to wrap my mind around, honestly. Things will be so different this time. It's hard to imagine telling my parents the news and it not be me running to them in fear and disappointment. [I always feel like I need to say that yes, I'm really honest on here about how much I struggled at first with my pregnancy (I was SO immature in many ways), but what a beautiful blessing Ann Peyton has been.] Anyway, it's just weird to think about sharing the news with people and it not being sort of a sad thing. We have been talking a lot about how even if we ever happened have another "surprise" again, it would never be the same. As Peyton said, we will always recognize that a baby, any baby, is a blessing.

-- That said, I won't lie, I am kind of nervous about having another one. I'm selfish and I know that our lives will never be this easy again (well, maybe in retirement). And, truthfully, it is hard for me to comprehend what a "real" baby could be like. The first few weeks (months) when many mothers are in the throws of crazy hormones and sleepless nights, it was really more like we had acquired a relatively low maintenance pet. I am not kidding. I feel like it might be like being a first time mom all over again if the next one isn't so easy. Which, really, what is the likelihood? About like the chances of winning the lottery in a goldmine while excepting your Publisher's Clearing House TWICE.

--I have decided that the most exhausting part of being a parent is the emotional resources it requires of you. At least that has been my experience, so far. I've been really thinking about getting back on anxiety medicine again. In one regard, I am doing SO much better. I used to cry about something daily. But in another way, it still seems like too much. My mom told me recently not to let it "destroy my marriage or scar my child" ("look around you" she says "both are REALLY easy to do"). My dad is the biggest worrier of them all, so she KNOWS (he used to say "Research shows that 98% of the things you worry about never come to pass, so we should all keep worrying all the time"; he was kidding. Kind of.) And sometimes, I do worry about how it's affecting them. I want so badly to just enjoy her. But there has not been a day since her birth that has not been filled, to some degree, with worry. Really though, I'm not sure there has been a day since my birth that hasn't been filled, to some degree, with worry. And it's not just big things. There are days when I loose it over an obstinate stain. Which I did last week. They are much more infrequent, though, being a mother has helped me gain a lot of perspective.

-- I know that in many ways this is a spiritual issue, as well as a physiological/psychological one. It really shows a weakness of faith and an inability to fully trust the Lord. It is definitely the sin I struggle with the most (well, and not being consistent in spending time with Him). I long for the faith of Horatio Spafford, who actually did loose all four of his children and was still able to pen the words
"When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,

It is well, it is well with my soul."
The funny thing is, I feel like even when peace like a river is attending my way, I'm not entirely allowing myself to be filled with the peace God promises us. I am working on it......

Thanks for letting me share today.

And, like I said yesterday, I do love exploring my feelings and thoughts and the "deeper" things in life here. BUT, I feel like every post has been so reflective and pensive lately and I think next week I am just going to try to put up some cute pics of AP and talk about baby clothes, maybe.

3 comments:

Sarah Broadus said...

you sound so much like me in this post. I use to worry all the time about everything, I didn't even let Todd's parents keep madyson her first 2 years of life because I didn't know them that well. One day I finally said to myself, "GET OVER EVERYTHING" I was really set in my routine and my life plan. I knew what I was doing for the next 9 months, including when I wanted to have another baby. I spent 2 days alone. No kids, no husband, no family. I just left. I spent the weekend thinking about eveything and finally decided that I was planning my life and not living God's plans for me. I quit doig things my way at that point. I just "flew" by the seat of my pants and I have NEVER regretted it. I love having my girls 20 months apart. It was not easy at first, but now it is amazing seeing them play and share and love. And life isnt easy but its amazing. And eating....well I started reading Paula Deen...and started cooking really unhealthy food because I was around 90lbs and yucky looking. I am not a hefer my anymeans, but now I have a few curves! I hope this helps and I will be praying for you!!!

Tiffany said...

WoW! You're being super hard on yourself here. I don't think it's makes you any less spirirtual because you're having a hard time. Would having a consistant quiet time help. Probably so, but, your problems might not completely go away. Sometimes we need a little extra help, like meds. after having a baby. Anxiety and depression can still effect you within the first 2 years. And doing what's best for you and your family is what important. Sometimes we as women can get caught up in being embaressed or too proud to admit we need help. I think that's the part of us that doesn't want to kill our perfect mommy dream we have in our heads that we all want to live up to. It really is OK, if that is what is best for you. Doesn't make you a bad mother if you need help. So, just pray about it, asnd counsil with your husband. Because this really only effects you, him and your little girl. Y'all are the ones living together under the same roof. (Hugs):0)

Anonymous said...

Bonjour

It is my first time here. I just wanted to say hi!