Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Rain, Rain, Go Away

Well, I said I was going to stop being a Debbie Downer on my blog, but my heart has just been so heavy lately. So here is my disclaimer: if you don't want a somewhat sad, serious post that's probably pretty lengthy....stop here.

First a little background: Awhile back, I decided that I would have a sad blog day. I was reading certain blogs about grief every day and it was just getting to be too much. I didn't want to stop reading them completely, so I just put them all in a folder in my Reader and every couple now weeks I just read them all at once and have one good cry about it.....it's a good system. I decided it was necessary one day when my mom bought me some clothes for AP. She loves to buy things, like, way ahead of times (that's where the deals are). So she had bought some things in, I think, 18 mo sizes, and I just fell apart. What if Annie didn't make it to eighteen months? Now, keep in mind, she has no known medical conditions and is perfectly healthy. I had just been filling my mind with too much sad stuff. My mom was like "unplug your computer NOW, this is ridiculous", kind of like the time she wanted me to unplug the TV because SVU was giving me nightmares. Kelly kind of talked about it; most people in their real life don't see so much tragedy, but when you start reading these blogs, you realize it is EVERYWHERE.

Another important bit of background information is that I struggle with anxiety. I was on anxiety medicine through most of college, but when I got pregnant I had to get off of it. It was really difficult, but I did it. I didn't want to go back on it if I didn't absolutely need it, and I haven't. But I want to be honest and tell you that combined with the hormones of just having a baby in the past six months, some days are a struggle. And yesterday was one of those days.

As I said, I was exhausted and then I watched the finale of MTV's Sixteen and Pregnant. That got me upset, especially the kids who decided to give their baby up for adoption. I totally admire their decision, I've often thought that if I was in that situation (even at that age), I could not make that same decision. It might be selfish, but I could not give up my baby, EVER, regardless of the circumstances.

Well, then I decided I might as well just go ahead and make it "sad blog day", which was, um, a bad decision. There is one blog that just particularly upsets me. One thing that makes them different from the others is that these parents lost their only child. I'm not saying that it's easier to loose a child if you have others, I just think (in many cases) it forces you to deal with your grief faster and it's a bit of a distraction....but I could be totally wrong. It's also harder to read than some others, because I'm not sure this family are Christians. At least, their faith doesn't permeate their blog the way it does so many that I enjoy, the way I hope it does mine. I don't say that to judge them; I just think it must make things SO much harder. The blogs that are dealing with grief from a Christian POV are sooo much more hopeful. Not only do these people believe their child is in a safe, happy place they also feel an assurance of being reunited with them in heaven/at the Resurrection. We saw a family on the news a month or so back who lost both their children in a fire, but you could see the hope on their face as they talked about being reunited in heaven with their babies--what a testimony. Which brings me to...

The blogs that are written by Christians really feel like this is an opportunity for others to see God's glory. We heard about Horatio Spafford at church on Sunday--the service was about dealing with the tragedies of life. He wrote the song "It is Well with My Soul", after loosing all four of his children. Can you imagine? But, look at how much glory the Lord has gotten from that song. Or my momma's friend who lost her little girl, but smiles so brightly when she talks about her. Or look at Angie Smith's blog and her story about precious Audrey Caroline...so much glory!

Not that God intends for these things to happen; I think they are a consequence of living in a fallen world. On one of these blogs, I read a comment that said something like "God wanted your daughter more than you did. Stop worrying about the details", when the parents were trying to figure out what actually caused their daughter's condition! Even if I agreed with this on a theological basis (which I don't), who tells a grieving parent this? Even things like "she's in a better place" or "God loves her more than you do"-things I honestly believe- are not always appropriate in these situations, especially if you don't know the other person's faith background. I mean, I believe with all my heart that God loves my daughter more than I do, but I'm not sure that's what I'd want to hear in that situation. But people say the craziest things. I also read about a mom who lost one of her twins and someone told her "well, it'll be easier with only one". And someone who had a miscarriage and her own father told her the baby didn't have a soul. Or people who say "just have another one". Gosh!

So, last night, I had "sad blog time" and it was awful! After practically squeezing Ann Peyton to death and crying hysterically (I'm sure she thought I had lost my mind) I went to bed with puffy, swollen eyes and a terrible headache. I mean, I spend all but a few moments a week with her; I don't know what life would be like if something did happen to her. Which got me thinking about what John Rosemond says about becoming too child centered....I think I am. And I know it's natural at this age. I also know she is my main responsible during this season of life, but Peyton and I should be able to go on a date and talk about other things besides her, I should have other hobbies and interests, and I should let God be God and give my anxieties to Him.

Anyway, this morning when I woke up with Vick's and cold packs beside me, my bed definitely looking like a sick-bed, it was still raining. And Peyton was gone. I went back to bed for awhile and woke up to sunshine and a very energetic, animated little girl and I thought.....I can do this.

Thanks for allowing me to unload some of this burden. I don't know why, I still like surveys and lists and blogging about issues, but lately my blog has become more of a journal and I feel so much better after sharing all this.

1 comment:

Carrie said...

I so understand where you're coming from. I told you the first time we met that I struggle with worry too, and some days I really let it get to me. I'm sorry that you've been struggling lately -- I'll be praying that the Lord will encourage you. We'll have to try to encourage each other, too, through this :o)