Saturday, November 7, 2009

Sometimes I Thank God for Unanswered Prayers

Yesterday, we went to a friend's wedding. It was a rather sureal experience for me because for a pretty big chunk out of my life (approximately 3 of my now almost 25 years) I thought this was the boy I would marry.

We started dating my junior year of high school and I won't say it was the first time I ever loved someone, but it was the first "grown up" relationship I'd ever had (Peyton is the only other one). It was difficult to say the least. He and I were both carrying around big bags of crazy--he had anxiety equal to mine and thus, we really didn't compliment each other. One or both of us were basically always creating drama. If there wasn't anything to worry about, we'd analyze our relationship to the point that we made something up. It was just not healthy.

But I adored him. I seriously thought this guy had hung the moon. He was the head lifeguard at the pool where we worked and was two years older and I thought he was perfect. I hung on his every word. It was really an unhealthy infatuation. He didn't really treat me bad, but I let myself be in a place that was not good for me at all. Well, we broke up twice and when we broke up for good I was distraught. I remember telling my mom I wished I was dead. I know....really intense. But teenage angst always is, right? I had watched enough Dawson's Creek to know that my feelings were perfectly normal. Um, yeah.

Anyway, the summer after we broke up (the summer before my senior year of high school), was SO hard. One night, some of my girlfriends decided I needed a little cheering up and so they took me to a Better Than Ezra concert at Hal and Mal's. Guess who was there? Briarwood's other head lifeguard......
This picture was taken the VERY first time Peyton and I (coincidentally) hung out outside of work--over 5 years ago! I'm so glad I have this; I treasure it so much.

After that night, Peyton and I grew closer and closer and began doing things outside of work. I would call Peyton at all hours of the night just to cry about this guy who broke my heart. And he was such a good listener. Anyway, I was still mourning my previous relationship and he was SO hung up on another girl. Even though we laid under the stars in my parents backyard (sometimes getting a little closer than most "friends" would) and told each other our deepest hurts and most cherished dreams, we told everyone (and each other) that there was "nothing there". We were always very affectionate; I distinctly remember Peyton holding me in his arms as I sobbed about this boy. At the time I didn't think "This is the type of man you need. Someone so solid. Someone who will be your rock.", but that was so true.

My mom had seen Peyton years before at the pool and he had the biggest smile and was so playful (so different from the way me and old boyfriend made each other--I do take some responsibility), she told me how cute he was. I totally disagreed "he's not my type", "I'm totally not attracted to him", "he's so OLD and sort of dorky". Haha, how things change.

Because over the course of my senior year in high school (Peyton's senior year at Ole Miss) we became so much more than best friends and confidants. We started to fall in love. He was everything I could have hoped for. Everything I ever needed. But....

Not long after we started dating, I said a horrible thing to Peyton. I told him I didn't know if I would ever be able to love him the way I loved my old boyfriend. And he wrapped his arms around me and just let me cry. I'm so thankful he didn't just run away at that point.

Of course, I grew to love him so much MORE than I've ever loved anyone. But those were hard days. I'm so thankful he stood by me. And I do not ever regret that other relationship. It taught me so much and there were some good times. But, I'm so so thankful that God had a better plan for me than I had for myself (and presumably a better plan for my former boyfriend, who is now a husband to a very sweet girl). I love these songs (as well as the one the post is titled for) because they both describe exactly how I feel.

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