Friday, October 15, 2010

Flashback Friday- First Loves {Circa 1998-1999}

I saw on Emily's blog that she is participating in another Blog Journal. I hopped over and took a peak and I thought about jumping on the bandwagon again too, since last time was so much fun, but there were lots of things I've already covered on my blog. A couple of the topics really jumped out to me and Wednesday's was....

YOUR FIRST LOVE

I've never blogged about that before, but there have been several times I've thought about it. For one thing, I feel like a post like this can be easily misconstrued and I was afraid people would think it meant I loved Peyton less or that it was in some way disrespectful to him or our relationship. Of course the relationship I have with my husband is the most meaningful and most important relationship I've ever had with a man, but he is not the only person I've ever had feelings for.

I spent most of junior high and high school dating. I will say that if Ann Peyton avoids this it will probably save her a lot of heartbreak, but I also feel like I learned a lot from dating and I grew as a person. I read Josh Harris' book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, shortly before college and I bought it hook line and sinker. I'm not saying it's a wrong approach, but I also don't think it's the only approach. I also don't think that once you get married, you're not allowed to talk about any previous relationships or the emotions that accompanied them. So....today is the day!

Really, I had two "first loves". There was the first person I really cared for deeply and felt love for and then there was the first relationship that I had. Both were really important to me and both were really definitive in my life, so I'm going to share about both.


This is the first person I ever believed that I was in love with.

When I started at a brand new school in seventh grade and didn't know anyone, he was the first person that I found who really understood me. Twelve years ago he became my best friend. Twelve years ago, I was wishing for so much more.

Today, I do have more than a best friend, because Ellis is not a part of my life in the way I dreamed as a thirteen year old, but he is more than a best friend, if there is such a thing. He is a part of our family. I have had so many close friends in my life that I have had to (painfully) realize were only close friends for a season. I can think of several times when realizing that has been such a painful process for me. I used to worry constantly that that would be the case with El. I don't worry anymore. We may go a few weeks without talking and months between seeing each other, but it is always EXACTLY the same as where we left off.

I don't have a brother and when it was time to think of who would walk my mom down the aisle at our wedding, there was really no decision. Ellis and I have a brother/sister relationship that is probably a lot stronger than many biological siblings.
Peyton and I are both very close to Ellis and when we found out we were expecting the first time, we asked him to be Ann Peyton's god father. He loves her so much.

As far as I know, there has never been any more than platonic feelings on El's side of things and for that I am IMMEASURABLY grateful. A relationship would have never worked out because we are way, way too much alike (we both feel things REALLY hard, we both over analyze basically every life situation we find ourselves in, and we both struggle with sometimes overwhelming anxiety). I am so thankful that my "first love" is not a distant memory, but a very special part of mine, Peyton's and Annie's lives.

And this is the first person I ever had a real relationship with.

Ryan and I had lots of conflicts and we were both really immature. We fought hard, but I feel like we loved each other hard, too. It was the first time either of us ever felt such intense feelings for another person, and we spent a really magical year exploring those emotions. The summer I turned fifteen, he left on a trip that lasted most of the summer. When we returned, the relationship dissolved. It was one of the hardest times in my life and I felt so lonely and so abandoned. We weren't really friends, but we remained civil. It was so hard for me to even be in the same room with him. After I moved on, we got to be slightly better friends and then he switched to a different high school. I didn't think of him all that much, but when I did I hoped that at some point we'd reconnect as friends.

My senior year he was killed in a car accident. It was the first time I'd ever lost anyone remotely close to me and it really caused me a lot of pain. I greived for his current girlfriend and for his family (who never really liked me when we were dating) as they embraced me at the visitation. It was very hard hearing about the amazing person he had become and about his plans for college and the future. At his funeral, I placed an Eric Clapton cd that included the song "Tears In Heaven", which was the first song we ever danced to, on top of his casket. I cried hysterically (embarassingly, even) at the funeral, because it hurt me so deeply that the world had lost such a special person. I longed to have talked to him one more time and I was haunted by the image of his still, cold body (a body that I could vividly remember longing for, and holding, and kissing) for months following the funeral. I am still brought to tears thinking of Ryan at times.

Although I don't, and will never, have any sort of friendship with Ryan, this side of heaven, the things I did gain from that relationship are not lost to me. He will always have a very special part of my heart and a very special place in my memory. I'm so thankful for both of these boys.

1 comment:

Ellis Purdie said...

Until tonight I never cried over one of your posts.

I miss Ryan so much sometimes.

And I am thankful that you still love me after twelve years.

You are God's love.