Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Lemonade and Coco and Raindrops and the Validation That I Needed to Hear This Week

In my last post, I said I wanted to give my "best moment" of the week a whole separate post unto itself. It's actually one big moment and then a lot of little ones and I really wanted to write a whole post about it because I want the memories of our last few weeks as a family of three to stay fresh forever.

I wrote a few days ago that I felt like one of the things that was SO hard for me about this bedrest gig was that I was often feeling like I had to choose between Ann Peyton and Graves. I felt that so strongly the night that she was crying as she tried to go to sleep and I felt paralyzed- like if I picked her up I'd immediately go into preterm labor and like if I left her in there crying so hard when I knew she needed me it would be a betrayal. [Note: I've probably made this clear before, but I don't think there's anything wrong with a baby crying themselves to sleep. I just knew that in this case that she needed me.] And then I felt it on a lesser level each time one of my parents or in laws arrived and whisked her off to their house for the afternoon. [Another note: how could I not be thankful that she is having a blast with people that love her so incredibly much? I'm not trying to sound ungrateful; I just missed her and especially since I was already having strong emotions about this last month of her being our only baby.]

Well, on Monday morning I was keeping her by myself for a few hours. Things were going really smoothly and we were having such a nice, relaxed morning together. All of a sudden, she climbed up on the couch beside me and said in the clearest little voice ever "I Love You" and hugged me really tight. It was exactly the validation I needed. It was like she was telling me that she felt so secure in our love for her and everything would be just fine.

She's never said "I love you" unprompted before. In fact, she's never really said it to me before. Peyton and I have always said, "Love you, Annie" and she'll say "Love you, Momma" or "Love you, Papa". It was so special to hear her articulate a full sentence that way. I told my mom about it and she said my dad has been reading her a book at their house and it says "What does a momma dog say? (woof!)", "What does a momma duck say? (quack)", ect. and when it gets to the human momma it says "I Love You!". It was just so neat that she was able to make that association and tell me she loved me just when I needed to hear it! That was definitely the week's best moment.

The other little moments happened yesterday, again when I was keeping her by myself. She spent the better part of two hours just snuggling with me on the couch, identifying people in pictures on the computer and then listening to some of my favorite songs on YouTube. It was raining outside and I had this beautiful background music going (basically the first part of my playlist- "Waiting for My Real Life to Begin", "Winter Song", "So Are You To Me", "On a Night Like This" and a few others) and Annie was taking turns snuggling with me and running to the window to pear out at the rain. It was SO, SO perfect. I want to remember those moments forever. I felt like life had just slowed down and we were in a video montage or on some movie and the music was playing and we were just drinking in life like a cool glass of lemonade on a blistery Summer day or a warm cup of coco in the dead of a Winter chill.

Then later, last night, the tornado sirens went off and we all huddled in the bathroom together and Annie and I snuggled in the empty tub. The thunder was scaring her and so Peyton and I put her in bed between us and snuggled with her throughout the night. I didn't even think about not getting as good rest, because I knew that's all I'd be doing today!

I'm not sure, but I wonder if maybe the Lord knew that the only way Annie and I were going to be able to experience this sweet gift was this way. I feel like the list of things to do before Graves arrives gets longer with each passing day and I know if we weren't in this situation I still wouldn't accomplish it all, but I'd be struggling and fighting and swimming upstream, trying to make it happen. At this point I feel (brief) moments of peace, knowing that there is no way it will all get done. In a way, it's freeing- like I've been given permission to enjoy the lemonade and the coco and the songs and the rain.

And my beautiful daughter.


Katie Smith said...

lovely! :)

Christy said...

Hi! I haven't commented in forever because blogging has taken a backseat but I wanted to tell you that I thought this post was beautiful. You WILL remember those moments forever. Those last days with your oldest child being the only child are so bittersweet. I still remember moments with Laura Grace and cry! It is so precious to have that bond with them. I think the first always has a special place in their mom's heart. It is not favoritism by any means, but there nonetheless. Enjoy it!

There are even better days to come. I know you know this and have heard it fifty million times but there is nothing more precious than the relationship between siblings. Your family will grow and change and it will be beautiful.

Ashley said...

So, so sweet :)

Amy said...

and....i'm officially crying.
this was just so sweet and heartfelt! i am SO glad that you got to experience that with AP. She sounds like she is so intuitive and full of compassion - what a wonderful big sister she will be!

Candy said...

So sweet, Sarah Denley. I love how you told your story. I remember the first time Mary Garner told me "I love you, momma" as I was in my kitchen standing at my sink and she hugged my legs when she said it. A memory I will never forget. And I also remember those same feelings before Molly was born that it was somehow "unfair" that MG would not be the only baby anymore. I had always worried previously about her being an only child. Like I was robbing her of having a sibling to grow up with. Then when our special surprise Molly came into the picture I worried about her not being the only child anymore. But, of course, once Molly was here it all fell right into place. My heart overflows with joy sometimes when I see those two together even when they argue. And yes they do that even though MG is 7 and Mol is almost 2! Praying for you and Graves and your family. Can't wait to see him on your blog.

The Broadus Bunch said...

Love it. I will never forget the last hours we had as a family of three. Its such a special time!