Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Adjustments

This has seriously been one of the most emotional weeks of my life- I'm talking some of the highest highs and well, not really the lowest lows, but there have been some low points, for sure. I didn't really think adjusting to having another baby would be easy; I'm not a fool, but there have been a lot of things I didn't really expect. It's been a wonderful, amazing week and I'm not going to downplay that, but when I look back at these posts (if I ever do), I want to remember EVERYTHING. I hope nothing here sounds like I'm ungrateful or like I'm not loving this time. I'm really just trying to record a balance of the positive and the negatives- like I always do! Anyway....a few highlights:

- Graves seems to be pretty easy going, but I don't think you can really tell at the newborn stage anyway. He's had a couple of rough nights, but nothing too crazy and we're just so in love with him. Peyton said, kind of uncharacteristically, the other night, "hmmm, maybe we should have a few more of these". We're not thinking that we're done, but for the most part, I think he envisions our family with less children than I do. Things always work out, and I know in the end, he'll either end up wanting more or I'll decide I want less.At the same time, there have been days already where I have thought "OMIGOSH, did we do this too soon?". AP was so easy, maybe we should have just enjoyed her a little longer. Most of the time, though, I think the spacing will be perfect and it's just getting used to a new normal.

- Speaking of, I really don't know what I'll do when we have our last baby. I know it's ABSURD, but with Ann Peyton and with Graves I've kind of had "the baby blues" and one thing that makes me super emotional is that I feel like the moment they are born the clock starts ticking and you start loosing those moments. I always want every stage to last forever. Of course, I get over it because each stage is as good (if not better) than the last one. I've said it several times before, but I have to make a cognizant effort to really live in the present with our children, as opposed to the past OR the future. Clearly, my emotions are totally all over the place this week.

- Honestly, there are just times I am overwhelmed with emotion. I'm pretty good at remembering things, but I guess I just forgot (and I didn't blog as regularly/openly back then), but Peyton said I probably had a harder time keeping my emotions in check when AP was born. He said (I seriously don't remember any of this) that, because of my anxiety and all the intense emotions, I was terrified that the baby blues were going to turn into full blow postpartum depression, and I was going to totally lose it and do something to hurt her, a la Andrea Yates. I don't know how I blocked that out!

- I told my mom the other night that I didn't know why I was so tired. She said she wanted to slap me- of course I was tired, I'm still recovering from the delivery, I'm up every three or four hours (at least) with the baby, and he's literally, um, sucking the energy out of me. I just feel kind of inadequate because he sleeps all day, pretty much. Also, I really hate asking for help, even from my family. I just like to do things myself. It was different with bedrest, because it was a doctor's orders and I was doing it for Graves's health. Now, I just feel lazy and kind of worthless sometimes.

- One really good thing is that he's a GREAT eater. As "good" of a baby as AP was, she was kind of a lazy eater and we had to wake her up a lot and she always preferred sleep to food. I know that sounds ideal, but trust me it's not if they don't gain weight the way they should. I don't think that will be a problem with little Graves! In fact, he's such an ardent eater, nursing has been quite a bit more painful. Especially at the start of each session, I'm pretty sure it's almost as painful as those last six minutes of getting him here ;) Still, though, I'm so glad he's healthy and thriving!

- One thing that has been an adjustment is just having two children that are still very young and I was entirely expecting that. For one thing, getting anything done has proven quite difficult, because I don't feel like I can leave them in the room together unsupervised for even one minute, so I either have to pick Graves up and take him with me or I have to coax AP to follow me wherever I need to go. And it's super stressful when they both start crying at once. Fortunately that hasn't happened too much and I know in a few weeks it won't even bother me! I also think investing in some kind of wrap/sling/carrier or something will help with both of these things. And I think I've got to just adjust my thinking to know that it's okay if Graves cries for a few minutes if I "have my hands in something". The other day I was in the shower and he started crying. Part of me thought I should jump out with the soap still in my hair! It's weird because with AP there was only one of her and she RARELY cried, so when she did I pretty much felt like I had to get to her that second.

- The last thing to mention is Ann Peyton's reaction to all of this. She's really gotten more shy/sensitive lately and I think it will take her a while to FULLY adjust, but she's doing fine. When I say she's shy, she's really fine most of the time, but she gets embarrassed so easily. The other day she dropped a bunch of puzzle pieces on the floor and started to cry. I told her "it's okay, no big deal!" and she kept repeating "It's okay" in this pitiful little voice for several minutes, like she was trying to convince herself. She's also gotten particularly attached to her stuffed monkey. The other day Peyton said she was giving MonkMonk a bottle, washing his hands in the sink on her play kitchen, and making him do the motions to some nursery rhymes. I think she's decided that he's her baby! It's really sweet to watch her. It's also so cute how she says "Baby Graves" (finally got it on video) and when he cries she says "Baby Graves! Need paci!" and goes and gets it for him. She's already a great big sister!

6 comments:

Carrie said...

You know I totally feel your pain on the baby blues/crazy hormones! I know making the transition to two can be tough, but everyday really does get easier, and seeing Ann Peyton and Graves develope a relationship and start to interact will be one of the BEST things ever! And PLEASE don't feel worthless or lazy if you don't do anything excpet take care of the babies. I don't clean my house/cook for about a month after I have a baby. Haha! I was in shock when you said you came home from the hospital and did laundry in your last post! You are super woman!

Heather said...

I think it took me at least 2 weeks (probably longer) before things started feeling "normal" after having AG...it was a huge adjustment for me to go from just one baby to two.
I really like the wrap I have from www.sleepywrap.com. I think Target had a similar one called a Moby wrap at one time.

Emily said...

I know how you feel! I was the exact same way about feeling like the clock was ticking away the moment they are born. Hang in there...it gets better! :)

Elizabeth said...

Let me know if you need some help choosing a carrier. I'd love to help you find one you love, my life would have been a lot easier with Simeon if I had had one I liked. I think babywearing is good for them too, what baby doesn't want to be close to mommy. I recommended a sling for Rebecca and she really likes it! Having a screaming baby is very very stressful, that's why we need to wait a bit- mine is still pretty screamy! I think you're doing great, being a mommy isn't easy.

The Jones' said...

I felt the same way, Sarah Denley!. And Mary Garner was 5! A 2 year old is tough by themselves and add a new baby you have a lot on you. Just try to make yourself rest. Sounds like you are managing pretty well. I am like you I hate to ask for help. I would just rather do it myself. Molly had colic so bad that I remember just laying her beside me on the couch and we both just cried and cried. Then I would pick her back up and we still would just cry and cry. But like you said it all works out. Try not to feel guilty. Everything you are feeling is totally normal for Graves while you were preggo so I will keep on now that he is here for all of you to adjust well.

Amy said...

I am SO glad you post so honestly!! it helps me know what to expect a little bit more and that it's okay. i worry about so much with having two - and i totally agree with the whole "feeling lazy" thing. sometimes i feel like women understand better than men, so i worry that jeffrey will think that i'm just a big ole bag of lazy bones doing nothing all day.....of course, he has NEVER come home and said anything about our house no matter what state of disaster it's been in...there's just still that underlying fear of inadequacy that's there. :(
please keep posting about the good and the bad - and if you don't want, at least email me and prepare me for the worst - hahaha! :)