Wednesday, May 2, 2012


I've been in a funk this week. I have to be honest- I haven't felt this down in a while.  I struggled with these sad, lonely feelings off and on for the first few months of Graves's life (and the first year of Ann Peyton's), but lately they've (thankfully!) been almost non existent.  Until this week.

At first I attributed it to coming down off the concert high.  I had been looking forward to, and building it up so much and then it was such a whirlwind.  I think I was a little sad to come back to reality so fast.  [And why do I feel the need to defend myself and say how much I love my reality? Surely, y'all know that.]  The concert was SO incredible and I was just really sad for it to be over.  Especially knowing it might be a once in a lifetime thing. It felt sort of like that post nuptial/post delivery sadness after a wedding or a baby (tell me I'm not the only one that experiences that).  I know that sounds dramatic, but I've been known to feel that way at the end of books or a few really special movies and TV series.  The last time I felt such strong feelings like that, though, was after Graves's delivery- there was something in me that was just terrified I'd never be able to have that experience again.  I think for people that don't love music or that think going to an outdoor festival to see someone twice our age play folksy rock music, the fact that I would even compare it to my son's birth is baffling.  But it was a similar (though not as strong) emotion. 

 Also, I just had such a good time with Peyton and having some just "us" time.  He told me that he was so happy to because he realized we could still have fun like that and feel those things. We've just been really in the "family zone" this year and I think when you have a nursing baby (espesially one that doesn't take a bottle) that's just how it goes.  It's been a wonderful year, but it was so nice to enjoy some time to ourselves to just hang out and talk and relax.  And, for me, it was really nice having the kids in a hotel thirty minutes away- I didn't really have a chance to miss them and I didn't have an anxiety over being far from them.  Anyway, I thought I was just sad all that ended so quickly.

But then I realized it was more than that. Little things have just been upsetting me so much.  Someone at MDO talked about the little phenomenon where "A son is a son until he takes a wife, but a daughter's a daughter the rest of her life" and I got so upset thinking about "loosing" Baby Graves one day.  I'm going to do a whole post about it, but he's gotten SO special to me.  Not that he wasn't before- but there's definitely a level of bonding with him that has gotten stronger lately.  I think it's because he's so attached to me and follows me with his eyes and cries when I leave the room sometimes and immediately calms down when I pick him up when he's upset.  It's just a very sweet stage.

There's have been some other minor things and overall it's just been a hard few days.

The thing about not taking medicine for depression/anxiety is that you have to find other things to "fix" yourself.  [And I'm not saying there's not a place for medicine, but I think in this season, for me it's not something I want in my life.]  So, I've been doing what I know helps me- I've been taking it easy and letting things around the house go.  We've had a lot going on with birthdays and sickness and all that and I think it's fine to take a week "off" to the extent that that's practical. The one thing I am doing is trying to cook a few healthy meals this week because I know how easy it is for me to just let that go and we end up eating cereal and sandwiches every night.  Peyton picked out a couple of recipes he wanted me to try, so that will be interesting. Ha!  I was planning to get up in the attic and start my closet changeover this week and I have a TON of posts I wanted to try to get on top of.  But, I think it's good to just let that go for a few days.

 I've been writing more and I've been trying to spend more time being present with the ones I love.  I used to retreat to the computer  to read blogs or play on Twitter when I felt low and all it did was make me even more crazy.  Now, I crave the energy I get from other people, especially Peyton and I long for him to get home from work so we can talk and I can process my feelings.

There are two other things that I know will probably "heal" me more than anything else.  I'm going to spend the rest of naptime in the Word and I'm going to try to find some time to exercise in the next couple of days.

I already feel better after putting it all out!


The Niemeyer Nest said...

Exercise makes a big difference for me! Nursing a baby especially one that does not take a bottle is a full-time job! I am struggling with that myself right now. Your post gave me lots to think about. Carl and I have not had a night away since before Evie was born by ourselves. It's time! Hang in there. I will be thinking about you and praying for you to feel the peace that passes all understanding! That's something medicine can't give.

Sarah Broadus said...

Put it out. We should go have lunch one day sans kids. We can discuss handling life issues without meds and alcohol.

Turner Aycock said...

Hi! Never commented, but feel a need to. I had depression/anxiety before my daughter was born and then had a mild nervous breakdown after she was born :) Zoloft has absolutely changed my life. I'm back to being me again. It didn't make me different, it just made me "normal". I enjoy life so much more it's amazing. I think that sometimes are chemicals in our brains are just a little off and we need some help getting them back to the right levels. I don't want to be on it forever, but if I need to be, so be it! Hope you can feel better with exercise and other means. That's just my point of view. :)

Amy said...

a to the men!!! nursing a baby that does not take a bottle is EXHAUSTING!!!!! and it definitely puts you in the "family zone" 24/7. i'm in a funk right now, too. jeffrey is out of town (well, coming back tomorrow) and i was supposed to go with him. he travels for work a lot and i was going to join him this time. until.
my little sidekick - my bosom buddy - decided that it wouldn't quite work that way. we do date nights on the regular pretty often, but it's still the "rush out to dinner, make sure the babies are in bed and be back home before such and such time (just in case)" kind of thing. i was SO looking forward to a few days with just us. not that i dont LOVE our family time, but you know what i mean :)
anyway, just wanted you to know i could relate and that i admire you so much for handling it without meds, but not making those of us that don't feel like losers. :) xoxo