Saturday, November 3, 2012

On Surprises, Letting Go (a Little) of Being in Control of the Situation, and Being Married to the Kindest Man I Know

I ironically tweeted this picture on the trip up and said that The Boss trumped party loyalty and if there was an Obama rally where he was playing we'd be at it. 

I wasn't planning to post tonight. But I couldn't not.

Today was weird for some reason. Mainly this evening. Peyton and I were planning to leave the kids with my parents' and go to a "folk festival" in a town a few hours away on Saturday. I got myself so upset over having to install and reinstall carseats in my parents' car. I had told Peyton I wanted us to both go back to the SafeKids site and let the instructor show us BOTH how to do it because we neither one can get them as tight as they can. Anyway, we didn't do it and my parents don't have their seats in. I'm confident it will be fine, but car seats are one of my "things" that give me anxiety.

Anyway, I was also stressed because we had planned to get up at TWO IN THE MORNING to drive back for a Sunday school meeting. I'm on the curriculum committee and I've been emailing and collecting responses all week. I just felt like it was important for me and Peyton to be there. Anyway, I kept insisting we got over the logistics of it.

Well, he told me tonight that we wouldn't be back from the festival until one in the morning and just wouldn't be able to get back to Brandon. I got a little upset and asked him why and then he told me it wasn't actually a festival it was a BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN CONCERT.

He had been planning it for months and our whole trip was because of it.

I just fell apart, y'all and not in a good way.

Our class at church has been in a bit of a transition and I think some things need to change. I've been putting a lot of effort into it and I can be a bit of a control freak. I don't like when plans change and I felt like I needed to be there.

There was about an hour of tears. I pretty much was a wrecking ball. There were more than a few expletives, total unrestrained sobbing, and a level of frustration I don't often allow myself to get to. I pretty much let go of myself entirely. I'm confident whatever it was was very close to what a nervous breakdown looks like.

I was just so upset that there was literally no reasonable way to go to the concert on Saturday and be in Brandon Sunday morning. I think some of it was out of a genuine concern for the class and some of it was out of a genuine desire to be in control. I think the idea of it all going on without me just got to me so bad and the idea that I had put all this work into it and then I wouldn't really get to have my say in directions I thought the class should go was so frustrating.

As soon as I calmed down I got irrationally upset again because I realized what I had done. I had let my emotions ruin something so neat. Of course, I'm better and the concert will be great, but I robbed myself of the joy of the surprise and worse yet, I robbed Peyton of it. You know, it's almost always more fun for the supriser than the suprisee....well, when the suprisee is happy and excited :-/

I was so frustrated with myself. Like I said, a lot of it was control issues and an issue of being nosy and hating to "miss out". A small part of me worried that I was putting Springsteen over being where God wanted us. And some of it was just plain me being exhausted and hormonal and at the end of a short rope. Peyton was so sweet through all of it even though I'm sure he was heartbroken at how his surprise had turned out. He told me later tonight that he wondered what he'd tell Steven, his friend at work, who he had been talking to about it. But he was so, so kind to me.

But either way it sucked. I told Peyton I almost wish I could have screwed up his proposal rather than this because this was such an OUT OF NOWHERE unexpected, huge surprise.

Tomorrow we're going to see the Boss.

Sunday we're "calling in" and getting a Sunday School classmate to put us on speaker.

Thursday through Saturday I have a fairly huge Junior League obligation known as Mistletoe Marketplace.

The days between Sunday and Thursday....Monday? Tuesday? Wednesday?

I'm going to try to rest my soul and relax. I have no idea what has me so overwhelmed lately, but there's been an unusual heaviness in the air. A tightness in my chest. An unusual lack of patience and even an roughness with my children. A sharpness in the tone I use when I speak to my husband (who clearly wants nothing but to give me the world) I've got to pull a plug...or some plugs. At least for a few days so I can regroup.

The first half of the week is going to be devoted to self care in the form of Scripture, rest, time with those I love and lack of an agenda.

The Boss with my love has me excited. The stuff on the horizons in Sunday school has me excited. Monday through Wednesday has me excited.


Kodi said...

I've felt this way for weeks, and to be honest, Nathan hasn't been at all helpful. I'm absolutely not bashing him- he's super stressed too with seminary. We're at a really hard place where we both need a break in a big way. I'm hopeful God will use our quick trip to Tennessee next weekend to refresh us even though the trip will consist of a lot of driving time. Anyway, hugs. Enjoy Springsteen.

Heather said...

You just described a lot of the way I've been feeling. I have been so overwhelmed lately and can't find a "good reason" for me to be. I think it's just been that there has been an unusual level of busyness that we can't break away from. I'm looking forward to some more relaxed days so I can unwind too.

Mallory Pickering said...

Didn't you feel this way this time last year? Maybe it's the shorter days and holiday stress.