Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Deep



Graves fell in the lake at my parents' house on Monday. He is fine. Both my parents were right there and they both jumped in and he was fine. HE IS FINE.
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I, on the other hand, have been struggling. I spent the evening last night and then morning today in a really dark place.

The water where he fell is near the shoreline and is probably waist high on my dad. It wasn't even deep....but these feelings, y'all.

DEEP.

My anxiety has been so reigned in for a good while now and I don't know...it's been weird because I've felt different than I EVER have in my life...maybe even better than when I was on medicine. It's blown my mind, frankly. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop and things to get really hard again. For awhile I was really scared to say anything. Not that I'd jinx it really, I don't believe in that. Just that I'd say something and then have a really low spell and have to "eat my words". Which is stupid, because I'm allowed to say I'm in a good place and still have bad days...or weeks.

Also, it's honestly so weird to me that my anxiety has been so much better with him than it was Annie's first couple of years. Because he's the one that actually does things like JUMP IN THE DAMN LAKE. He's the one that would run out in front of a car or drink poison or jump off the roof or whatever. She's a cautious little person for the most part.

Nothing about this is really rational, though and I learned to let go of that notion awhile back. People saying "Don't worry, what are the chances that would happen?" have never helped. It's always taken Peyton or Minnie or someone coming alongside and helping me process the whole thing as if it were reality.

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Last night I made my mom replay the scenario multiple times in my weird, morbid way. I wanted to know what his eyes looked like (they were closed) and if he was struggling (he wasn't) and exactly what he looked like when he went into the water (the same way he looks when he goes under in the bath...which has happened way too often for my liking).

She told me every detail: He was reaching for a leaf and feel head first into the water. Her and Micky both jumped in, both reacting in the moment even though they were in each other's peripheral vision. By the time she was in the water, he was floating to the top...eyes squeezed shut, not flailing, looking like he does in the tub. At that point they were lifting him out of the water and I was racing down the hill to them. I was really running in slow motion, though. I knew exactly what had happened, but the gravity of it hadn't hit me yet. They were lifting my soaking baby out of the water and he was fine. Annie was sobbing and scared and he was saying "Momma. Fell." and stretching his trembling arms out for me. My parents started fooling with their (both soaked) phones and we consoled Ann Peyton, who seemed pretty undone. I took a picture to Instagram. Peyton got there and we ate hot dogs and wings and gave the kids Hawaiian Punch for the first time.

I left in tears and my parents neither one knew it.

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It took a few hours for it to catch up to me and then it just hit me. I had said days before on Facebook that water has always been a big trigger for my anxiety and the irony wasn't lost on me. Days after I had claimed victory in how the Spirit was working in my life ON THIS SPECIFIC FEAR I watched my parents pull my two year old son's soaking body out of a lake. By God's grace (and by some grandparents' diligence)  he was fine. HE IS FINE. But I'm not sure I am.

I struggled with thoughts of what could have been. I let my mind go places it shouldn't go and I let myself picture things I shouldn't picture. I saw myself as the mother of one child again. I even went as far as to think about how I'd never be able to move to New York without him. It was terrifying. I have a vivid imagination and I could almost literally feel it. It hurt so bad.

I struggled with why I wasn't right there. I struggled with what if I had been there. Truly, I know my parents had it covered. I don't for a minute regret that I wasn't there. But in this weird sense, I wish I had been and I didn't have to keep asking my mom about dumb details that don't matter (that's another manifestation of this thing- I get obsessive about minutia and really have a compulsion to know every detail about things, even in simple things like a telephone conversation Peyton has). But then I don't, because I'd still be asking the questions because I wouldn't have seen everything.

Also, I honestly wonder if I would have hesitated. If I would have made sure Annie was safe and settled somewhere before I jumped in. Or worse if I would have put my phone down. Or just waited for one of them. I'm always slow with reaction times and I know what it probably would have looked like. And I know I'd be battling bigger demons today if all that were the case.

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I sort of zombied through the morning and tried not to totally fall apart in front of the kids. I was able to numb it all for short periods if I occupied myself with something, but the distractions didn't help much. Finally we made our way outside and the sunshine really seemed to help. I let them eat their lunch outside and I just enjoyed them. I made it to nap time and that was my first little goal (Peyton had a meeting in another STATE...ugh). When they got up, we played and talked to Peyton who was on his way home. I made it until he got here, which was my second little goal and then we actually had a really enjoyable night.

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I know this is a minor set back and is only a small sentence on the page of the story that is my (our) journey. That said, I'd really appreciate your prayers as I work through this. A friend from high school and a friend from church and a few "pocket friends" have checked in on me throughout the day and it means so much to know I'm surrounded by love and prayers and to hear the reminder that I don't have to do this in my own strength.

3 comments:

Jennifer said...

Thinking of you SD! I am similar to you and need to hash everything out multiple times and think of every possible scenario. Often, going through scenarios happens before I even know the outcome of the situation. You will make it through this and Graves will not remember this. He might even get tired of being reminded of his daredevil 2 year old self as he grows up. Thank you for sharing because this happens way too often and without concerned parents or grandparents nearby.

Kristal said...

I'm praying for you, SD. This would be hard for me, and I don't deal with anxiety. I can't imagine dealing with it and having that additional struggle.

Recognize this for what it is - an attack from the enemy. He knows you were claiming victory over this very thing and he doesn't want you to be able to do that!! So recognize it and then tell him to eff off. And I'll be doing the same over here in MO. (And I know that's a ridiculously simplified version of the complexities of anxiety, but I don't think for one second that the timing was coincidental.)

Love you and praying for you!!

Courtney said...

Praying for you. Thankfully Graves is okay. I have learned with my nephew that boys are daredevils and this will probably be the first of many incidents. As a mother you will do the right thing at the moment.