Tuesday, October 1, 2013

31 Days of Mississippi Goodbyes: Our First Home

The biggest non relational goodbye I think will be our house. And truthfully, our house is sort of a relational goodbye because it has so many memories of a family coming into being nestled deep in its corners. This is the house Peyton and I have lived in since the day we got back from our honeymoon. It's the house we brought both our children home to. In fact, I went straight from living in a dorm/my parents' house to this one. It's the only place that I've really had a sense of ownership over.

This little house has seen lots and lots of tears and lots and lots of laughter. I remember laying in our bathtub thinking really hard, dark thoughts that first truly difficult year of our marriage. I remember the wonderful way the nursery smelled and looked and felt right before I had Annie and in the days following her arrival. I remember the way I anticipated that room changing...and the way it has changed. [The beautiful, blissful chaos I predicted is everything I hoped for and more.] I remember chopping onions in the kitchen and I think of all the time we spent in the backyard this Summer, soaking up those lovely days.

I think about the time last Christmas when I looked at a picture I had taken myself and I how I was just blown away by what it had finally become. I think of the sense of pride I felt and how I had finally, FINALLY made it my own. I had finally made it a home for us.

I think about those first days when I was struggling, really struggling to make it look like anything close to that at all and how frustrating that was for me.

I look back on the times I struggled with comparing this beautiful little place with beautiful bigger places and I look back on the times when I just didn't care, especially when it finally belonged to us in every sense of the word. I remember how great that felt and how I knew it was partly because of sacrifices we had made and the way we chose to make changes slowly rather than all at once. I look back and chuckle about the times I've joked about how nice it is to vacuum the entirety of it from a single plug in.

I remember, I think, I look back and I'm so thankful for all the good we've had here. And I'm thankful for the bad really, because those taught us a lot.

I'm so glad we're not selling it. It feels good to leave it here waiting for us. We may sell it as soon as we get back. Or we may not. But I know that the transition would be significantly more difficult it we were having to say goodbye forever to this place. This place that holds a big piece of my heart.

I'm ready, truly ready, to find a way to give another little piece to a still tinier Brooklyn brownstone, but I'm glad I can leave a piece here waiting for me.

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