Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Winter Weeping

I cried- hard- yesterday for the first time since we've been here.

Actually, I cried the night we got here. But our apartment was filthy, and I had just flown by myself with the two kids and made a twenty five minute connection with the two kids, and Peyton had left to go get the cats off their flight leaving me with those same two kids, and dammit, if I hadn't had cried then I wouldn't have known who I was.

But yesterday was different. I started thinking about Spring, which made me really happy. The snow melting and the fresh air and the non necessity of putting approximately fifteen layers of clothing on yourself and your offspring to walk out the door. It was a sort of enchanting thing to think on. We got a taste of it over the weekend and it was so amazing

I thought about the city's beautiful parks and playgrounds and how fun it would be to enjoy those and share them with the children. I thought about Annie's little face lighting up and Graves getting carried away doing things he probably shouldn't on the playground equipment. I thought about how we might have met some new friends by then.

I thought about Easter and how by then, hopefully, we will have found our temporary church home and will spend that day worshiping at that special place, wherever it is. I thought about the how it will be meaningful and special and significant wherever it is. I thought about how amazing Easter is, just in general.

And then I thought about the kids' birthday. And I just lost it.

I think I'm tired. No, I think I'm exhausted (the good kind, from having too much fun). I think I'm hormonal. I think the few days of nice weather seemed like a malicious joke and I was irritated by it being followed by rain and snow and dreariness. I think I hate typing that because I know native New Yorkers are thinking "Oh, Honey". [Or not...I don't know what they say when they're being condescending. That's what charming ladies in Dixie say when they're really being assholes.]

But more than that, it breaks my heart to think about celebrating another year of my children's beautiful lives without our friends and family. I don't know why that DAY seems so ominous. But it does.

Maybe because the others seem ordinary. In a very special, beautiful way, but still ordinary. I don't feel like my parents have missed anything huge yet, especially since the children are at the age where milestones aren't like coming monthly and especially since the world is at the age where most things can be experienced and shared via Facetime.

Maybe it's because I feel like I'm denying them something and I've yet to concoct the replacement (i.e. "It sucks we don't have a backyard to swing and slide in, but you know at home we don't have a courtyard where we can play in SNOW" and "Yes, I hate that we can't get in the car and run to Target three times in one day, too, but it's awesome we can buy blackberries at a place a block from our apartment for $1 and let's be honest, you'll probably NEVER IN YOUR LIFE see a carton of blackberries for a dollar again").

Maybe it's because it's the first "event" that Peyton and I will do without the support we've always known.

Maybe it's because their parties have always been so special to me and I took for granted that it was, more than anything else, because they were times where our home was full of people who loved our children and wanted to celebrate them.

Or maybe it's because I was tired, cold, and hormonal.


We're having a lot of fun here and I know that we'll find a way to make that day a special one for the children (and because I need it to be such). And at the end of the day, I truly, truly believe this is such an important part of the story God is writing in our lives.

But sometimes all you can do is weep in the Winter.

1 comment:

Jennifer said...

This made me cry - we have discovered that living away from family has some pros and some cons just like everything. Those big days like birthdays and Easter are the sad ones though. LOVE that you can get blackberries for $1 - crazy!