Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Rock of Ages, Risky Love, and a Deep Feelings Day

I was set to try to knock out my Weekly Happenings Post from last week tonight, but I just can't.  Claire left tonight and I'm exhausted. She was, too. The kids are, too. We had the BEST time, but it was a busy week. It was great to have an extra set of hands and I was able to do a lot on Peyton's days at work with the kids that I'm usually not. That's just it, though. I'm used to having those days at home. Of course, we wanted Claire to have the best possible experience in the city and we wanted to take advantage of her being her, too, so I wouldn't change it. But I'm tired to the point of tears. I also haven't really made time for blogging, and reading, and sitting and staring. Things that nourish me. And I think, I'm realizing more and more, how that takes its toll emotionally.

Last night Claire and I saw a Broadway show, Rock of Ages. In retrospect, I'm so glad we didn't see something sad or serious or heavy. I've seen lots of shows and it's mostly the case that I thoroughly enjoy them (and in the case of anything I've seen on Broadway, am inspired and awestruck by the creativity and genius), but by the final curtain call, I'm done. Or a little past done. With this show, I could have kept watching for another hour at least. It's light and funny, but with endearing characters that have grown in your heart by the thirty minute mark and with a simple but strong plot line of young romance and old dreams dying and new ones being birthed. But it's done in a really comical, high energy way. Needless to say, there was a very real post-experience let down. I expect this with Bruce or after the birth of a child. I didn't expect this with a cheesy romance full to the brim with eighties rock ballads. Which was, in hindsight, incredibly naive.

We got home and Peyton and I had the fifth conversation in as many days about a small trip we were going to take to visit some friends. It ended up not working with our schedule, which was fine, but Peyton was also so stressed about the hassle of it. I told him "It doesn't matter if it's inconvenient. Everything up here is damn inconvenient. But it's usually worth it." In a way we've switched roles- it's me dragging him to the public pool and Coney Island and that sort of thing. It used to be the exact opposite and I was irritated by it.

Also, he had spoken sternly, not raised his voice he informed me (something he rarely does and I do too often) but he was stern when Graves pottied by himself in the toilet (yay!), climbed up on the counter and smeared poop around the sink (ugh!) and got hand soap all over his body including all around his eyes (ahhh!).

Late in the evening (or early in the morning, rather) I did the strange thing where I poured over the actors' lives online. I can't even explain why I was interested. The Internet is fascinating and a bit creepy.

Today I've been pensive and melancholy. It was one of those days where I'm prone to stare deeply into the children's eyes and shed tears each time I do. The emotions ineffable even to myself, the best I can articulate is that it comes from an intense love that is the same always in the deep places, but seems closer to the surface on days like these.

Then tonight, I set out to look for my copy of our high school's production of Oklahoma! that I had gotten a friends' mom to have made from her old tape right before we left. I was confident I had packed it in my carry on in a smaller bag with my jewelry and external hard drive. In other words, the things I REALLY wanted to take car of during the move. But I can't find it anywhere. I was just so upset by it.

And always at the back of my mind these days is how much time we have left here. I think I've said this before, but in many ways it was harder to prepare leave Jackson than it will be to leave here. But in one distinct way, one way that possibly trumps all the others, it's much harder to think about leaving here. That one way is that we always knew this was temporary. So not only was I able to console myself with the relative shortness of our time here, I was able to remind myself we'd be back in my beloved hometown for the long haul. Here, when we leave it's OVER. We'll likely never live here again in our lives. It will be a very definite permanent closing of a chapter, rather than an exciting intermission.

I was emailing with Carrie the other night and after acknowledging that no matter where we live (in NYC or in Mississippi) there will always be a little sadness over missing the other place, she made an interesting observation. She said that loving is risky, even if the object of your love is a place, not a person. There was a winky face, but I truly thought there was so much wisdom in that little observation. I had never thought of it that way, but I did allow myself to open my heart to the city and now I'm paying for it with my emotions. I'd never do it any other way- I don't think I personally could, but I also don't think I'd want to- but gosh, it isn't easy to love hard like that.

This whole post, I guess, really comes down to the fact that I feel things intensely and today was a Deep Feelings Day. Sort of exhausting, but I've learned, I think, to embrace it a bit more.

1 comment:

Bech and Marley Evans said...

As always, Lewis has the perfect words:
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”