Tuesday, October 21, 2014

31 Days to Write True: Decided

September was a difficult, draining month for me. Honestly, probably the hardest one I've had since we moved in February. Literally almost every day was a struggle and I felt more anxious, sad, and lonely than I had in a long time. I think there were probably several factors that came into play, but one big one is that Peyton and I just spent a lot of time talking about what is next and trying to make decisions for the future. 

I may have said this before, but one reason I think I've enjoyed our time in Brooklyn so is because we have been able to press pause for a minute and just live in the moment. I think Peyton and I both struggle to do this. Peyton because he like to search and adventure and always wants to be scheming up the next idea. Myself because I'm a planner and I like to know (and truthfully control) what is coming next. I know I've said this before, but I spent too much time wanting get engaged, and then married, and...well, I didn't have much time to wish away our newlywed days for babies, but I'm sure I would have. I learned to slow it down a bit when the children came because I realized how beautiful our days were and they've truly been the best days of my life. I hope we'll have plenty just as precious, but I can't imagine anything being better than this season. So I had gotten away from wishing away time and wanting the next phase to come, but there was still a pull. I just wanted to know (and again, really decide) what was coming next. Somehow, in Brooklyn, I just feel like I broke through from all that for a bit. 

I didn't stress about school options because I hadn't really given myself any besides homeschooling. We didn't plan any new adventures, because it was a huge adventure. I didn't fixate on having another child, because I knew I didn't want to be pregnant or have an infant in Brooklyn. And we weren't worried about when to leave because we wanted to just experience it first. 

Well, for some reason a lot came to the forefront in September. And I sort of HATED going over it all. Over and over. It was exhausting. Peyton and I are both talkers. We think too hard often and we talk too much often. It wore me out. 

Thankfully, we were able to make a lot of decisions before the trip home, so it's been a lot more relaxed than if we still had things up in the air. 

Here is why I feel settled:

- We're moving back to Mississippi in May, most likely the beginning of May. The trip home has given me a real peace about it. I know I will leave a part of me in New York and that I will carry pieces of Brooklyn in my heart until the day I die. But being home has been wonderful and I've felt so right here. That doesn't mean there won't be days I don't cry because I miss the city so much or that there won't be things about the South that frustrate me to no end. But it does mean that I know this is our place. For now, anyway. 

- We're down to two options for schooling- straight homeschooling or doing a two day a week school (which is different than the program Annie did for a year and a half when we lived here). I feel really good about either and now it's just weighing the pros and cons and deciding what is a better fit for our family for the next school year. Sometimes deciding between two great options is really difficult for me, but it's a good predicament to be in! 

- We've discussed this a lot and really thought about what we want our family to look like (obviously the Lord has veto/overriding power on that-- HEEEEELLO, Annie Banani!) and we have an idea of what we're hoping for going forward. Spoiler- it includes more kiddos! I'm reminding myself that it's important to keep it one kid at a time, one year at a time. But at the same time, I think it helps to have a gameplan so we can plan for things like housing and such. 

- Speaking of, we had really talked about moving into Jackson, but I think we're going to stay in the suburbs for the next two or three years. That could totally change, but it feels good to at least have the intention determined. 

- Which leads to this....we've decided on our next adventure/project! I'm going to blog about it in more detail because it really deserves it's own post.

It was interesting typing this all up because I realized more why it had been so stressful. That's a lot of really big things we put upon ourselves to decide. I'm glad we can move forward and enjoy the rest of our New York adventure with a sense of peace and that we can relax and enjoy the ride! 

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