Friday, April 24, 2015

One More Week

Here we are. A little less than a week away from moving back to Mississippi. I'm sure there are ALOT of emotions under the surface that will come out over the next few days, weeks, and months. But truthfuly, right now, I feel this weird numbness. I've cried very little so far and I haven't gotten emotional at times I thought I would. We've been pretty busy and even on less busy days, I think being in such a weird environment (we have hardly any of our stuff, our apartment is bare, and my routine is WAY different than what it's been for the past fifteen months) has made processing it all a lot more difficult.

I've hardly had (or made) time to blog, but I have sat down a couple of times to write and the words just wouldn't come. I couldn't formulate many coherent thoughts let alone get them on the page. That's a weird sort of sensation for me as this is sort of how I make sense of it all.

I will say that I feel myself wound really tightly and while I'm enjoying the days, I have little emotional reserves left for anything else. I've also been struggling BAD with some sinus headaches and the weather is miserable. We had known it probably wouldn't be warm when we left, but it's been past "chilly" and downright uncomfortable. Especially given that we sent our true Winter clothes back to Mississippi.

I feel like all my effort goes into:
- making peace with my untraditional corridors (we are sleeping on the floor on pallets and I'm exhausted from not getting any good sleep, we sent home a ton of our kitchen stuff and have like one pot and it's making me nuts, I just like having my stuff close and this intense minimalist makes me super anxious)
- making peace with the absurd weather (including our lack of appropriate clothes and the fact that the co-op is keeping the heat off-- honestly there are few things I hate more than being cold INSIDE)
- trying to make the most of this last little bit here and push through some debilitating headaches that at on another day would send me to bed and trying to prioritize because I know we can't do it all
- trying not to feel guilty when we do have some down time and pushing back against FOMO
- trying not to feel guilty that Peyton has taken over a lot of the housework and childcare when we're home because I'm just trying to keep my head above water and not have a nervous breakdown
- trying not to stress over all the work we need/want to do (unpacking, minimalizing, installing floors, ect.) when we get home
- (this one is where ALOT of my energy is going) trying to remain patient with the children who are experiencing alot of the same issues as I am (not sleeping as well, FOMO, not having their stuff that they enjoy playing with, ect.)

Basically, this blog post turned into one big complain session. And we've really had some great times over the last few days and made some great memories even here at the end. I want to blog more about those and I will.

But it seems like when I do get a few minutes to try to write something down, this is what comes to the surface. [Aside: I have been having this insane anxiety about being home with the kids by myself because everything feels out of order and I can't handle trying to keep them entertained by myself. Peyton left for a couple of hours this morning to go say goodbye to his coworkers one last time and the kids have been FINE. I project a lot of my anxiety and nervousness onto them.]

I've been standing up blogging at the kitchen counter and eating raw fruit and veggies for the entirety of my lunch witht the kids at my feet. This is NOT how I do things. I like to compartmentalize and I like to write when the kids are resting and eat my lunch in a chair. But I feel better now that it's out there.

One big theme of my life this year has been seeing the ways God has provided for us. Here again I see it. I'm actually thankful that there's a numbness and a weariness that's taking the edge off some of the more powerful emotions I could be feeling about leaving. There will be time for those and they will come, but I'm glad I'm able to enjoy these last days here without an overwhelming sadness that we're leaving a place that is so very special to us. I think the days would be much harder to get through were that the case.

I think next time I open up the computer to blog, I'll be prepared to write about the adventures we've been having, the parts I have enjoyed about this simple, the things I've been learning, and the things I'm looking forward to back in Mississippi.

1 comment:

Annie said...

I can't believe you're leaving in less than a week! It feels like just a few weeks ago you had moved to NY in the first place.

I didn't feel like you were complaining in this post; more just detailing the ways that this move is disrupting the fabric of your lives, and I know in a future post you will share how the fabric of this season, though disrupted, shines and shimmers still. I hope you and your family are able to make beautiful memories this last week in NY and that your return to MS goes smoothly!