Friday, July 10, 2015

Scratch


Slowly, very slowly I feel like parts of the house are reaching "complete" status (like the kitchen windowsill and sink above). It's taking longer for my emotions, but that process is coming along, too.

A friend asked me awhile back weather this felt more like picking back up or starting over.

I had never thought about it but it really is a significant distinction.

In the most important way, we are picking back up.

If you've read here at all, you know that we found and fell head over heals in love with a couple of communities in New York. But we did not leave with many deep, extremely intimate friendships. I have absolutely no regret over this. It is near impossible to create friendships in fifteen months akin to those that have been five, ten, and twenty years in the making. Also, we wanted to do ALOT in the city and while we tried to prioritize friendships, we prioritized our little family and our adventures as well. Finally, we intentionally chose to split our time between two communities of faith and what that's naturally going to mean is that we couldn't go as deep at either place. Again, I have lots of regrets, but this isn't one of them.

But here, we have so many relationships that have formed over years and years. We have best friends that wake us up with texts about high school memories and then that we get to see a week later. We have our parents; helping us in tons of pragmatic, logistical ways; but more importantly just being a presence in ours and our children's lives. We've been spending time with little friends and cousins and it's been incredibly meaningful to watch how quickly my kids friendships have grown. I have a walking buddy here and I have friends that I can grab a quick dinner or coffee with while Peyton watches the kids. I have a friend that made me breakfast on a Monday morning because she is so intuned to my life, she could tell it was a really hard weekend. That part (the picking back up) has been a delight.

But the starting over. We're starting from scratch in a lot of ways.

We've really changed up our house and it's totally for the better but it's taken a lot of time and a lot of effort and honestly a lot of reprogramming my mind as I try to think about the simple lifestyle I really want. Some days I see a light at the end of the tunnel and some days I don't.

We aren't putting the kids in any kind of school program this time around. There's a lot of reasons for that, some having to do with specifics, but honestly a lot of it is just that I loved doing it all myself in New York and I loved the flexibility it gave our family. I definitely think it's the best decision right now, but at the same time, even though we did Kindergarten in New York, doing it here feels like starting over.

One of the biggest things(so far) that feels like starting from scratch is church. As I've said before, there are lots of reasons why we chose not to go back to our former church (nothing horrible) and you're welcome to email me about it but it's not something I want to go into right now in this space. That's really been the hardest thing. I sort of dread Sundays and I get almost unbearably homesick for New York and the faith families we found there. Sundays are just really, really hard right now. Still.

Peyton's clearly at a very different place these days and there's a lot of scratch-iness in that (pun intended, because it's better to laugh than to cry).

And truthfully, part of why it feels like starting from scratch is because I feel like a very different person from the one I was before we moved.

There's a couple of other areas where I hope we'll be experiencing big changes in the next few months and years and while it's exciting, anything from SCRATCH feels scary. And a lot of time, a change is so big is does feel like starting from scratch, weather that's the reality or not.

This post sort of comes full circle, though, and I didn't realize it would. All the changes and differences and the feelings of starting over (weather that's the reality or not) is manageable because of the amazing support system we have here and I'm very grateful for it.

I know this is where we are supposed to be and each day, just like with making a dish from scratch, I get a little more sure of what I'm doing. Incidentally just like living in Brooklyn, as we build our lives here again, I feel my confidence growing in what I can do and be if I allow the Lord and not my fear to have the final say.

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