Friday, August 14, 2015


Pretty much everyone who knows us well thinks Peyton usually calls the shots. Which, to be fair, he does have the stronger, more dominant personality. But if y'all think I don't give him a run for his money you're dead wrong:

Re: driving standard- Peyton told me he was worried I wouldn't give it my best or that I might give up easily. I don't think it was a tactic to get me to do it, but it would've worked if it was. Y'all. My eyes bugged out and I was like "WHO do you think you're married to?" And then I reminded him of the time I rescued the biggest firefighter from the bottom of the pool in life guarding class, and the time I told Mr. Gresset that I didn't go through two years of busting by tail at MC with all A's to come to Holmes and make a B (admittedly, signing up for chemistry FOR MAJORS wasn't my brightest moment), and the time I pushed out our almost eight pound little boy without any drugs, and the times I strapped that same almost thirty pound kid to my chest and got on buses and trains and got him and me and his sister exactly wherever I decided I wanted us to be. And I maybe used a few F words in there. And then I finally took a breath. In case you ever wanted to be a fly on our wall. (I wasn't arrogant enough to think that there was no possibility I might not succeed with this but you're crossing the wrong woman if your talking about giving up easily and you best not do that again anytime soon.) 

[As an aside, to be fair to Peyton, it's probably relevant to mention that I was actually the one who came up with the idea of only having one car and it logically does make sense to, you know, use the car we own.]

Peyton's new schedule includes him working every Sunday (while his schedule is FANTASTIC in other ways and this obviously makes sense, I'm of course praying this is for a season). Anyway, next week he's taken off for a friend's ordination and by the next Sunday (a week and a couple of days) I'm determined to be confident enough behind the wheel to drop him off and pick him up and get the rest of us to church in between. When I feel under confidant, I remember the two buses back and forth into Crown Heights to TGCand especially the very first time we did it and there was a parade and the buses were rerouted and I was scared we'd never make it back to the apartment. Or the three trains back and forth into Manhattan to Calvary and especially how heavy Graves got in the carrier and how hot the platform at Union Square was. I remember how Sundays never ever felt like a Sabbath in the restful sense but always always felt like a Sabbath in the restorative sense. And then I find myself in tears over something entirely different but at least I remember what I'm capable of when I trust Him instead of my fears.

Lately, I've gotten even more determined to just kick the shit out of things (in Christ of know, kicking the shit out of things in Christ). I almost cried yesterday about how hard it is learning standard. Annie was sobbing about her own set of issues and we dropped Peyton and Graves off and she finally calmed down and we circled the block time and time again in the darkness. I twice conquered the little hill near the end of our subdivision and then we drove into the night down the "real" road toward Kroger and Annie asked me why we were leaving our neighborhood. I asked her if she could hit pause for a minute and we made it to the store. I bought us Laffy Taffy and Oreos, we both put on lipgloss, and we took a selfie. And then we made it back. With all our parts- and all the car's parts- intact. I only had to recrank it at two lights and I only drove about a mile with the parking break on. 

Just about every other day I want to tell Peyton I'm done and we need to sell the damn thing and just get an automatic. I've been lonely and isolated, I've felt stifled and not in control, I've felt like an inconvenience to other people (besides Peyton who I could not give less of a damn about inconveniencing in this case). But then I remember the person I was in Brooklyn and how I did so many things that terrified me and I'm just not ready to let this go. I feel feisty and ready for this. 

"Brooklyn tough and Dixie brave", I tell myself sometimes. 

1 comment:

Jennifer said...

You know - I was having a rough day until I read this. Nothing in particular - just feeling all the feelings! You changed my mood! Thanks SD! I have every confidence in the world that you can do this and make one car even a standard work for your family!