Sunday, August 23, 2015

Wound Up

Today was such an anxious day. Anxious in the nervous sense, not anxious in the worried sense. I guess that's preferable, for what it's worth. Actually, I know it is. But still.

I was just so wound up. Tight as a tick- as the idiom goes.

It was HSP (highly sensitive person), introversion, anxiety, all those things-as the diagnoses go. I gotta remember that. These things have names. Other people deal with them. It's also just life with young kids. It's okay. It's not a mental breakdown. It's also not a reason for guilt, which equals (nearly always) more anxiety.

All day long, though, it was this way. Sensory overload like crazy (and there's always this thing where I shame myself a bit because I have two- just TWO- children and one of them is pretty low key, energy/noise wise). Like...why is this hard? But then I remember there that were hard things when Annie was a baby who was content ninety seven percent of the time. Those hard things largely had to do with the inside of my brain and also circumstances totally apart from her and this, this does too.

Anyway, it's this very tangible, awful feeling.

It was like every loud noise produced this literal ringing in my ears. I found myself doing this thing I HATE where I speak in a very similar way to the voice of Annie's that I most despise. My pitch gets high, it's like this super bossy/whiney tone, and I can literally hear myself letting go of all control- of the situation, of my temper, of my emotions, of everything. Half the time I do it from another room and it feels so grasping at staw-ish. It's a version of myself I dislike so very much.

All day, my throat felt dry (probably that yucky scream screech I kept doing) and I was a bit shaky (probably all the caffeine I consumed in a desperate clawing attempt at self-care and headache alleviation). My back was tense and hurt and I did that thing, not a few times, where you cup your head in your hands and press really hard on the sides because for some reason that seems like it will make it all stop.

We had a busy week last week, which Peyton assured me at the beginning of would not be busy, and would certainly still hold to the opinion that it wasn't. And to his credit, it was loads of low key stuff- honestly, it was mostly full of time with our favorite people in extremely low pressure situations. Which...more guilt because how can I be like this when I enjoyed all those moments and wouldn't want to sacrifice a single one of them. It's just that people wear me out. Peyton being here so much with this new schedule wears me out, to be honest (again, it's the kind of thing I'd never want to sacrifice but it's doing a number on me). And I guess it just hit me today because I probably wouldn't have hated spending the entire day by myself. And instead I spent it with two people whose size is actually inversely proportional to the volume of noise and amount of energy they produce. Two of my favorite people in the whole world every day, but two really annoying people this particular day.

And then there's this. I'm really, really hoping (and really, really thinking!) next week will be the week the kids and I start going back to church. I think I'll finally be confidant enough to drive to Clinton, drop Peyton off, get us to church at wherever and back home for a break, and then drive back to get him that night. I'm also realizing that Friday and Saturday are probably going to have to be early nights in order for this to happen without any amount of tears or scream-screeching on my part.

Over the past few weeks, we haven't done any school on Sundays but I've done a good bit of housework and such because it just made sense and my Sabbath theology is pretty organic and flexible and spirit-rather than letter-of the lawish. But this week, I was determined to have a real Sabbath. I kept my expectations really low and had very little on the agenda. Some laundry, a nap, frozen scones for dinner, and a bath for the kids to close out the evening. Honestly, the bath was the hardest part. So again, I was pretty annoyed because I hadn't even set the bar very high.

The kids are finally in their room for the night (they probably won't be asleep for three more hours). This is a true rarity. Peyton gets off at eight on the weekends and I almost never, but actually truly never when they have baths, have them settled by the time he gets in. He and I are going to watch a movie and eat a frozen pizza. I'm also going to do the last little thing on my list and sort of try to envision what I'd like to accomplish this next week. I'd also like to envision myself next Sunday, knocking the church thing out of the park, and not being an asshole to my kids.

We'll see. New mercies each morning and all that. Thankful those mercies apply to those who struggle with insecurities, are a bit irreverent, let sensory overload define the day, and act horribly to the people they love the most.

1 comment:

Kristal said...

I'm commenting just to say "I've been there and I totally get it. You aren't alone." Only within the last two years have I become aware of the fact that I'm introverted. (Because I'm outspoken and loud and talkative, I've always assumed I'm an extrovert but really, even though I am all those things, being around people seriously drains me.) So I'm super conscious now of taking time to recharge, but it's not perfect. And I find myself shaming myself because I only have 3 kids and I have many friends with 4 kids who seem to cope just fine. Or because sometimes even when I've had plenty of quiet time and the kids have been on the lower end of crazy, I still find myself completely tapped out and I think, "What is wrong with me? Why can't I cope?" I feel like I'm WAY more conscious of it here simply because there were so many outlets in the States - lots of places I could take the kids to release some energy while I sort of zoned out (parks, library, children's museum, etc) and that is non existent here. So I'm always "on" and it's really freaking hard at times.

So all that to say, I get it and thank you Lord that Your mercies are new every morning.