Friday, April 22, 2016

Feelings On Visiting Our Old Home


I recorded all the details of our trip in my Weekly Happenings post and I'm going to just include most of the pictures there too (I actually didn't take a ton). But I wanted a little more space to write about what I/we felt while we were there. I meant to blog about it all in real time but I just had no energy for it while we were there. I crashed pretty hard whenever we had a down minute.

 The first day we got there it was raining and a little cold and Peyton said "well, some of the romanticism of it is gone". And I thought that was the PERFECT way to articulate my emotions. I just didn't feel what I had expected to. We analyzed and hypothesized the various reasons for this, as you do.

I wondered if it was partly my "condition". The walking was hard, the not having many available easily accessible bathrooms was hard. Everything felt hard. Or harder. When we lived there, I almost always thought the city was hard, but worth it. The first day or so back it seemed like maybe it was hard and not worth it.

I also wondered how much of it was not having the children with us. Which seems...counter-intuitive. But  really so many of the things I found magical about Brooklyn, I found magical because I saw it first through their eyes. A lot of those things (greasy pizza and crowded playgrounds and Coney Island) would not have been so special if I wasn't seeing them through the eyes of a child.

I even wondered if maybe I had just curated an image of it. This is something I've thought about before but I gave a lot more thought to the first couple of days we were there. Maybe when we lived in New York I made up an image of us that I thought would get a lot of Instagram likes. I mean, I'm sort of sure I did to some extent. I think I do it in Mississippi, too. It's fun, and I think can be innocent if it's not taking too far, to figure out the image of yourself you want to share with the world and to work on crafting that image.

And maybe it wasn't even for was for me. Was it self-preservation? Was the picture of the city I loved so much one I needed to create just to survive? I had thought my first months back in Mississippi when I missed it so badly proved to me this wasn't the case. But I began to question it.

One of Peyton's theories was that things this far north weren't really blooming yet. I've gotten really into thinking more about seasons and their influence, but I was skeptical. 

Gradually, after so many conversations with dear friends we did remember how very magical a place it is. And toward the end of the week it got much warmer and the colors were so vibrant and we even saw a young couple just totally making out on the sidewalk and I remembered what a Brooklyn Summer looked like. It was a total one eighty from the first day or so.

On Sunday evening we went to Calvary and I weeped (in the best way) during the worship for the first time the whole trip. I was so grateful to be back but also for our home in the South. 

The very best part is that Peyton is dead set on how we can live some of the year in Mississippi and some Brooklyn as soon as possible. That's been a dream for a long time but it's neat to think it might be able to be a reality sooner than we thought. And it's really amazing to be SO on the same page about such a unique adventure.

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