Saturday, August 13, 2016

Drowning



I shared it on Instagram and I feel like I need to share it in this space, too.

It's hard, but it's necessary. Real talk.

A couple of weeks ago, I got so upset over Sallie's birth and while some days I'm at peace with our decision and some days I'm excited about it because I know if we had another we'd be much, much less likely to adopt or become foster parents, some days it's really hard. Graves asks me often if we can have "just one more". And it breaks my heart to tell him that Sallie was our one more. 

What began as an under the surface sadness turned into a lack of motivation for daily things which snowballed into total overwhelm and ended in a much darker place.

I needed to go to Target but going to Target seemed too hard. Then, in a throwback to my old anxiety days, I started thinking of if something happened to me. Peyton would have his three kids and maybe they'd be better off without me? But then that awful, sickening feeling took hold as I thought about them being raised in a household without a believing parent. And then I had this truly horrible feeling of "would it even be all that different?". And, on top of that, in a throwback to Annie's babyhood, I have been having scary vivid visualizations of something happening to all of THEM. I squeezed Sallie's paci in my hand to try to manage some of it and for some reason I thought what if I love her so much I squeeze HER too tight?

I thought about how there are, at the very least, three people who need me to not be this way. That in itself is a lot of pressure.

I felt like I was drowning in the sadness. 

That was when it became uncontrollable. And when P gently brought up maybe needing to be on medicine again (which is another big deal coming from him- we just try really hard not to medicate what doesn't HAVE to be medicated and sometimes when people shake their heads at me about the epidural I think "eh, if you only knew the other stuff I work so hard to avoid"). But there comes a point where it's warranted. I'm not there yet but I'm for sure keeping a finger on the pulse of it.

That said, I'm much, much better and I feel a bit better equipped for if/when I'm not.

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