Thursday, August 25, 2016

The Best Laid Plans: Remix

Hey guys, remember this post? Deja vu, in a way.

Back in the Spring, I was approached about a job. A job that looked strikingly close to my dream job. For reasons outside my control (I blogged about it awhile back, they're no secret) it didn't work out.

One reason I felt like the timing was so good, despite expecting a. tiny infant, was because I don't know what our future will look like- we may be traveling the country, or hiking it, or fostering, or adopting. We will hopefully be homeschooling three kids instead of two. I have no idea what to expect with those things because I've never done them. I thought I did know what to expect with a newborn.

But I had no idea how complicated my emotions would be. In one sense they've been a lot harder to manage and I already struggle wearily to find those elusive things like boundaries and balance. But in another sense, I've been able to enjoy a peace- one that requires shunning a to-do list and reminding myself that my worth is not in my accomplishments- that I never found in the early days with my first two. I've said it before, but this New Girl stirs up so much in my heart.

Honestly, if the decision had been mine I STILL don't know that I could have turned it down. I was attracted to so much- the hours, the content area, the adorable quirkiness and earnestness of the students and the relentless pursuit of goodness and wisdom of the faculty, and the whole philosophy of education. The thought of actually having some autonomy and independence in a way I never really have was appealing, too.

In reality, the more I've thought about it the more I realized I still would have regrets if I'd had to turn it down myself.  Certainly not as much as I wanted a baby, but I wanted a job- this job- deeply. It would have been a bit of a hard yes, but a much harder no.

I know Peyton Herrington, stay at home dad extraordinaire except for weekends, would have fought tooth and nail to have made it work for all of us. If I had gotten the job it would've been fine.

And I do think I would have loved it.

But after nine months of a difficult pregnancy and then spending the remainder of what's been nearly a year coming back to an emotionally healthy place, I think it's good to give myself a pass on this year.I'm already seeing how, for my own emotional well-being, I need to really soak in all this. I just want to hold Sallie and love on her. ALOT. And I sort of think I owe my children, especially Annie and Graves who have been patient with me beyond what I deserve, as much as I can give them of my full self this year.

Also: this was a lot of work.

No comments: