Saturday, September 17, 2016

Postpartum Check In: Three Months Out

I decided that each month when I write Sarah Lamar's letter, I'm going to do a brief update on my post partum self. It'll be kind of like my every five week pregnancy reflections in that it'll be a good place for me to get a little introspective or just do a little brain dump. So...

SD at three months out:

- I've seen God so much in this scary place. Before I got on medicine I found myself self-conscious and being very hard on myself- exactly the OPPOSITE of those couple of great weeks I had when Sallie was around a month old. I had just felt so self-assured. And I felt guilty when they slipped away. I wanted so badly to have it all together. To be a relaxed, confident person for once in my life. Her babyhood has still been my favorite so far. I *do* have an entirely different perspective and a different toolset. And I have felt motherhood come much more naturally this time. BUT it was a good reminder that nothing in my life has ever, or likely will ever, move in a linear progression and God is so good to us when we flip flop like fish on the end of a line. 

- Also, with the pregnancy and now with what I'm unafraid to call depression, I think God is very gently saying this chapter would have needed to close naturally even if Peyton was begging for another baby. And I'm weirdly grateful for that.

- P and I were talking today about how he's more of a kid person an I'm more of a baby person. I LOVE this sweet, silly, imaginative stage AP and Graves are in but if I'm honest I prefer the itty baby stage. I think I'll also love the tween/teen stage where we do even more talking and processing like I do with Annie. He LOVES this stage and I have a hunch it'll be his fave. Honestly, I think he'd be a better classroom teacher in the early grades than I would (and I think he may do that one day!). What I'd really love is helping kids talk through things like I've been doing at the grief center (I used to want to be a therapist but I didn't think I had the emotional resources for it.) We talked about that, too. I have no idea what I'll do when they get big but I have lots of dreams and ideas and that feels good and scary.

- I don't think it would be possible for me to have immersed myself more fully in SL's babyhood than I have been. Well, I suppose it would be *possible*, but it wouldn't be healthy. And I can think of NO better gift I could give myself in this season.

I feel myself settling a bit and it seems like it's into a good place. These three months have taught me so much and I'm so grateful for them and for our New Girl. 

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