Monday, May 29, 2017

Postpartum Check In: Eleven Months Out


SD at Eleven Months Postpartum:

- This month was the first time I really got mad at Sallie. I've been stressed before but I always felt like that was on me; I just wasn't being patient with her. But recently I felt about her like I do about the big kids. It was such a "toddler" moment and it kind of tore me apart. She had a runny nose and had been screaming and she needed me as much as she did when she was a newborn. I closed my eyes and nursed and cuddled her and my feelings changed in just a few minutes but it was a tough moment. 

- I also had one of those bad spin outs. I was thinking about seeing my sister and how much I miss her living here (I've been thinking about this a lot lately) and how exponentially harder it will be when I have nieces or nephews involved. I just cried. And then I realized I hadn't taken my medicine in two days. And I thought about how I may never got off of it. And then I thought about how many women I know on it. And I thought about how in every time and place but here, people have had to just pull themselves together. And I thought about going legit nuts and about Peyton running away and taking the kids. I thought about what if something happened and I couldn't get it. What if he screwed up so epically in some way that he lost his license and we were poor? And the whole thing with the ACA. And then I remembered Voluntary Simplicity and how we have a shit ton saved and we could afford Zoloft for six hundred on the edge moms even if he did get his license revoked (and he also told me that it's like super cheap anyway) . And then I felt convicted about how "rich" we are, by so many standards and legitimately became a socialist for twenty minutes. I looked at my puffy eyes and hoped my Chinese neighbor didn't stop by because she's so very blunt and always tells me when my eyes are swollen and is like "Sarah, you not resting?" 

- BUT, as is almost always the case, I've learned a lot. A friend and I have been talking about taking better care of ourselves and each night I report a few items of self-care and a couple of thankfuls from the day. It's been an AMAZING discipline and I feel happier and healthier than last summer.

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