Monday, June 19, 2017

When Carrying More of the Load Becomes an Extra Gift


Awhile back, as Peyton started doing more and more and they get closer, I've been thinking about why I was so set on doing so much for Sallie myself her first year. I think it's because:

1. I like to try to prove myself. Sort of like when I insisted on vacuuming the entire pool in our early days. I thought I was over this. I am not. Probably won't ever be entirely.

2. He's NOT a big baby person. I am a HUGE baby person.

3. She's sort of my security blanket. I was this way with Graves too (I can't remember with Annie). Especially when I'm upset, I just can't imagine getting very far from her. I think it's sweet but I also try to make sure we don't become like absurdly co-dependent.

4. I don't think it's any kind of a secret that it took us awhile to come to agreement on the baby that would be our Sarah Lamar. I hope it's also no secret- and I hope I share enough about his character that it would be assumed if it's not obvious- that once we came to an agreement we were in FULL agreement. That said, I think I've subconsciously tried so hard to make sure he has not the first regret about that agreement.

But honestly, it's mostly because I've loved it.

And then  one day, he started voluntarily doing more with her. It's fun to see a real bond form and this time it's forming more organically than it did with the other two, who he felt more compelled to help with.

While I'm trying to let go of proving my worth, it does feel good to show myself and him that I can do hard things. He's been more affirming and validating than ever before, and part of that is him being home more and realizing what the work of a stay at home parent is but part of it is this. He told me for the first time this year that he really did finally understand the difficulty in this vocation and he also told me for the first time that he thought the division of labor was equal or that I was carrying MORE weight than him. He's never said (or felt) that before. Both brought tears to my eyes.

Sallie is a gift just being her, but she's also helped us grow and learn so much.

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