Monday, July 31, 2017

Monthly Mental Health Check In: July 2017

So this is my new monthly reflection thing in lieu of the "postpartum check in". Obviously it feels a little silly to update on my "postpartum" progress indefinitely, but it will basically be the same thing or very similar. Just a monthly time to reflect on where I am in my own head.

- Strangely, I've felt something really similar to how I was feeling this time last summer (though, praise God, not the same level of intensity). It's that feeling of loving things and people so much it hurts. I've been so happy and it sort of...terrifies me. I guess I'm scared of when it goes away. When summer comes to an end and we don't have a place like the pool anchoring our days and a sweet community that consists of dear friends and close acquaintances who feel like more than what they are. When it's cold inside my own house and I feel isolated and lonely. When the nights, and the dark, come earlier. It feels really, really similar to how terrified I was watching Sallie's first weeks slip through my fingers.

- I also had a couple of come aparts over various things- posts by other people that seemed instructive on the managing of emotions in a different way than the way I do and some poorly used time Facebook stalking that made me sad and nervous and then sort of grateful that I was expanding my bubble a bit.

- My biggest breakdown had to do with that ugly joy-stealer, comparison, as it so often does. I heard a story about a woman who went through a tonpost-partum and still decided to have another baby. I have long comforted myself that my pregnancy with Sallie and the PP experience I had (though really, the pregnancy moreso) were such gifts in their intense difficulty because they placed me resolutely on the same page with P, re: growing our family with any more biological children. But after I heard about this woman, I felt different. I totally convinced myself that I was lazy and that I overblew the whole thing and it really wasn't that bad and I was just super melodramatic. It obviously wouldn't and doesn't make any difference, considering Peyton's emphatic doneness, but it upset me no less. I sat at the pool and told my best friend and she smiled at me and said "God used that in your life and you are not those things and it's okay to let yourself feel a peace about being done, weather somebody else had a hard experience and came to a different conclusion or not". And I felt better.

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