Thursday, March 22, 2018

Monthly Mental Health Check In: February 2018

I joke about it a lot and most days I really can laugh about it, but Sallie just really adores P now and honestly is so social she just adores anyone. And I'm sort of boring. She clung to a sweet lady in the nursery when I tried to take her home the other day. She really only wants just momma at night or when she wants to nurse. And one day I got so worked up about it and started crying and wondered if she really loved me. I realized (and gratefully, I've finally gotten to where I can often see things for what they are in the moment) that it was some low level depression talking- that same day I had been having day mares about her being hit by a car because I started letting her hold my hand in parking lots where I feel like I'm very much in control of the situation (i.e. very short distances like at church or times when I don't have Graves with me) and had also gotten really sad about knowing for sure I'll never be pregnant again.

I heard this segment about "safe sleep" on the radio and it sent me into a real tailspin. I truly, deeply believe most bedsharing tragedies are caused when people accidentally fall into it (i.e. falling asleep in a recliner or on the sofa) OR they're crazy things like being drunk or high or sleeping on a water bed. I actually fell asleep a couple of times on the couch with Graves and it scared the crap out of me so I made a real plan with Sallie. And most days, I believe with all my heart that she's been safe every night of her almost two years. But I got so upset thinking about all these "what ifs" from when she was a tiny baby and slept most of the night in our bed.

But overall this month has been SUCH an improvement. Even with lots of rain, the warmer weather makes my heart happy and the promise of spring thrills me. I can't even put into words the difference in my day to day mood. I feel more energized and less overwhelmed than I have in a LONG time and just feel much happier overall.

I also feel like I've been able to be a little more present in my friendships and really enjoy them more and that's lifegiving.

No comments: