Thursday, March 22, 2018

Monthly Mental Health Check In: February 2018



I joke about it a lot and most days I really can laugh about it, but Sallie just really adores P now and honestly is so social she just adores anyone. And I'm sort of boring. She clung to a sweet lady in the nursery when I tried to take her home the other day. She really only wants just momma at night or when she wants to nurse. And one day I got so worked up about it and started crying and wondered if she really loved me. I realized (and gratefully, I've finally gotten to where I can often see things for what they are in the moment) that it was some low level depression talking- that same day I had been having day mares about her being hit by a car because I started letting her hold my hand in parking lots where I feel like I'm very much in control of the situation (i.e. very short distances like at church or times when I don't have Graves with me) and had also gotten really sad about knowing for sure I'll never be pregnant again.

*****
I heard this segment about "safe sleep" on the radio and it sent me into a real tailspin. I truly, deeply believe most bedsharing tragedies are caused when people accidentally fall into it (i.e. falling asleep in a recliner or on the sofa) OR they're crazy things like being drunk or high or sleeping on a water bed. I actually fell asleep a couple of times on the couch with Graves and it scared the crap out of me so I made a real plan with Sallie. And most days, I believe with all my heart that she's been safe every night of her almost two years. But I got so upset thinking about all these "what ifs" from when she was a tiny baby and slept most of the night in our bed.

*****
But overall this month has been SUCH an improvement. Even with lots of rain, the warmer weather makes my heart happy and the promise of spring thrills me. I can't even put into words the difference in my day to day mood. I feel more energized and less overwhelmed than I have in a LONG time and just feel much happier overall.

*****
I also feel like I've been able to be a little more present in my friendships and really enjoy them more and that's lifegiving.

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